Dave Ex Machina play through 10-31-22
Who am I?
Dave, of course.
What are Dave’s knacks?
Rearranging frozen pizza toppings
Playing ping pong with my non-dominant hand
Using the remote control with my eyes closed
What do I have on me?
Empty glasses case
What’s the deal?
It’s like Star Wars meets Pride and Prejudice Meets Gundam
Everyone is a Wookiee but they are living in Jane Austin’s England. And there are giant gundum battle mechs all over the place. No one knows where they came from but there they are.
What’s the job?
I have been summoned to kill Lady Gorchunku’s prize rose bush.
What stands in Dave’s way?
Unseen Force - pesky poodles made out of magnetic waves
Adverse weather - it’s a sharknado but the sharks breath flames!
Wild creatures - the McWookies! They’re Wookiees… but they’re Scottish!
I was right in the middle my weekly watching of the Back to the Future trilogy when I felt myself getting pulled through a vortex of time, space and extra planar energies. When I could actually see again, I was standing in the middle of a pentagram.
A big furry woman with fangs and an elaborate dress with lots of lace stood before me. ‘EROOONK” she said to me.
‘You, you want me to kill some lady’s rose bush?’
Man, some people take garden parties really, really seriously.
So, anyway. This place was wild. Everyone, except the kids, were like a foot taller than me, totally covered in fur and wearing really fancy duds. Oh and there were giant robot space ships standing around.
And there was this big mental countdown clock in my head. I had 19 ghurries to smash that rose bush. Otherwise, I’d never see pepperoni pizza or Back to the Future ever again.
And I’ve got this mental compass thing going on is. I don’t know which way is north, if there is a north here. No, I know which way that rose bush is.
Anyway, I was making my way to wherever that rose bush was, walking around a giant robot space ship, when my internal compass went wild. I couldn’t tell where the rose bush was. When I closed my eyes and tried to find the magic arrow behind my eyelids, I saw… fluffy poodles.
Clearly, I was dealing with poodles made out of magnetic waves.
Well, I know that poodles can be pesky but they also can be particular. I had to distract them and nothing distracts dogs like snacks.
Just like an automobile has a repair kit, I found spare giant robot spaceship parts. Had lots of nuts and bolts, which I figured magnetic poodles would love. But I had to sort it all out. Well, I can sort a frozen supreme pizza irnto six slices with one topping each. So, I had this.
17 - 15 = 2
Well, they liked the snacks but their magmatic waves still messed up my internal compass.
So. I put a wooden bucket on my head to block them and walk away from them.
15-12 = 3
And I just walked in circles because I had a bucket on my head and I couldn’t see anything.
Fine. I’m going to talk to the poodles and ask them to leave me alone. And I will take my time and give lots of reasons to leave me along.
12-5 = 7
The poodles listened to my argument, discussed among themselves and agreed my case had merit. Then went their way. I got my mental compass back and I went on my way.
And that’s when the sharknado showed up. It’s like a tornado. Only with sharks. And the sharks were breathing fire.
I ran screaming.
10-9 = 1
Turns out that whatever force brought me to this crazy world protects me. I grew back that leg and my spleen in seconds. But not dying didn’t help get away.
Okay. Time to see what Elizabethan Wookie sewers are like. The fire-breathing sharknado can’t follow me there! I’ll take my time. Pick out a good looking manhole. (Wookie hole?)
12-7 = 5
Hey, Elizabethan Wookie sewers are pretty nice. Really good stonework. Plenty of headroom. Fire proof. Don’t want to think about what Wookies eat, though.
Downside of Elizabethan Wookie sewers, I ran into the McWookies. Kilts. Tam o’ Shatners. Claymores bigger than me. Murderous attitudes.
Time for me to sing the Proclaimers biggest hits.
14-16 = -2
Turns out the Proclaimers and Wookies don’t mix. I’m just lucky I could regrow both my arms. Well, if music doesn’t work, alcohol will. Got to get the McWookies to the nearest bar and drinks for the house!
12-8 = 4
Okay. Since I don’t have any money, time to sneak out of the bar. Slowly and carefully.
13-7 = 6
I’d better kill that rose bush and bamf back home before the bar owner finds me!
You know what would definitely kill that rose bush? A sharknado full of fire breathing sharks. By a total cosmic coincidence, that sharknado was still looking for me.
Good bye rose bush. Good bye garden. Good bye manor house. Good bye neighborhood and nearby forest.
And good bye me.
I need to watch Marty in the bad timeline and eat some pizza.